Monday, 31 August 2009

where it all began

1. Carlo lost his virginity at the embarassing age of 36 at one of Silvio Berlusconi's infamous sex parties.

2. Once he gets a couple of pints in him, he will argue to the death that Gareth Southgate and Ugo Ehiogu's central defensive partnership for Aston Villa in the 99/00 season was the greatest in world football history

3. Carlo Ancelotti is an avid racist and a keen gardener

4. His favourite episode of Keenan and Kel is the one where Keenan's family go to 'The Pork Shack' for dinner and Kel spills hot chowder on Keenan's father

5. Though he has never admitted it publicly, Carlo sites Karen Carpenter as the main reason he got into football managment after his playing career finished

6. Some say the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice, Carlo says that word in the Chelsea dressing room is... Claude Makalele had the cock of a shire horse... literally

7. His favourite meal at McDonalds meal is the 6 nugget meal, he really misses supersize fries and still Fanta though

8. His legacy at AC Milan was left slightly damaged after he and Jo Tessem got stoned and went round Ibrahim Ba's house and pissed in his kitbag

9. His finds Bob Marley a wee bit over-rated

10. Carlo Ancelotti has adjusted incredibly well to life in england, he even contacted the England cricket selectors and recommended Steve McFadden for the troublesome number 3 batsman slot

The Wonder

1. You know when your Sky digital goes a bit slow sometimes? That's him

2. When on a 'Beano' in Clacton with Steve Ogrozovic, Danny stuffed 4 full choc ices in his mouth at once and kicked the cunt out of a pensioner

3. Danny's favourite film is 'The Lion, Witch and The Wardrobe'

4. Has incredible evasive skills due to the fact that he and his band have been middle of the road for nearly 15 years and is yet to be run-over

5. The Embrace 2006 World Cup song 'World at Your Feet' is set to be voted in at number 5 in the new VH1 top 100 avant garde anthems

6. He often stands outside suprise birthday parties and tells the birthday boy/girl that their friends and relatives are all inside and they are in fact not going for a quiet drink

7. He produced Ultimate Kaos' hit single 'Some Girls' in the early 90's and still rakes in 56p a week in royalties

8. Not at anytime in the last 10 years has Danny McNamara appeared before a judge for rape with a motive whereas up to 1999, he was regularly charged for the offence

9. You'd think a Corrie fan wouldn't you? But he in fact has a meth-like addiction to Irish sit-com 'Fair City'... which is fucking shit by the way

10. Let it be known in no uncertain terms, Danny McNamara will rape again

When you said i was ill, you were not wrong

1. Alesha will headline the pyramid stage at Glastonbury 2010. She will take to the stage at 10:45 and dance for 10 minutes, then New Order will join her and play 'World in Motion' to get everyone in the mood for the world cup... she'll do the John Barnes rap obviously. The for the remaining 74 minutes she will 'be down to earth'

2. Before joining Mis-teeq, she shared a studio appartment in Barbican with Duncan Ferguson. They were merely room-mates, no nudyprod whatsoever.

3. Alesha Dixon is yet to meet Barrack Obama and to my knowledge couldn't give a flying fuck

4. She has a picture of Kelly Kapowski from Saved by The Bell as her screensaver on her laptop, Dixon appreciates hot... regardless of gender

5. Her favourite album of 1995 was 'Operation Stackola' by Luniz. Try telling her that 'I've got 5 on it' was the only good song on that album, she'll punch you right in the anus

6. She co-wrote the Usual Suspects with Barbara Windsor

7. Ever buy a Kit-Kat and there's hardly any biscuit in there? Just chocolate? That is entirely down to her

8. Alesha Dixon rapped in the second verse on 'Jump, Jump' by Kriss Kross.

9. She is being lined up to play Spider in Bill Kenright's stage production of 'Quadrophenia'. Because she is scared shitless of Lambretta's and Vespa's, she'll ride around in roller skates with a little mod target on them

10. Alesha Dixon has had a season ticket at Preston North-End for 42 years and has never been to a game, what a bitch

Ballybunyon, keep puttin them lighterz up

1. Zac Efron leads a group of conspiracy theorists who hold the Nolan Sisters responsible for the 9/11 terror attacks. They meet on the 24th of every month at Greggs bakery in Eastcote high street and pretend they don't know eachother, y'know... for a laugh

2. He can't have a fucking row!

3. In the next WKD advert, Zac will be shown snogging a girl in a nightclub and then tell her that he has swine flu. He'll rejoin the rest of the lads at the table and they will be looking at the floor in discomfort

4. Fucking loves a bit of crumpet does our Zac. In the last month alone, he has slept with close to 4 women

5. Zac's favourite book is 'Of Mice and Men' by Carol Vorderman

6. It is a weekly ritual in the Efron family household to act like a cunt

7. Get this, he only tried to include Kevin Nolan in his premier league dream team this year! Jesus the boy's living in 2007, he probably still thinks 'Beautiful Girls' by Sean Kingston in still number 1 and is cheering on Jermaine Jackson to win Celebrity Big Brother

8. Zac, believe it or not never cared for High School Musical. He was once overheard saying he thought it was 'lame' and called director Kenny Ortega a 'poofter' in his incredibly unfunny gay voice

9. Efron's sense of bereavment is all powerful

10. What is next for Zac Efron???? a game of Pro Evo and a wank probably

Ere you go chief, ave a suck on that sauce bottle

1. Kevin Spacey is a man who is uncomfortable with intimacy, he is the kind of man who would refuse to make love to his wife on their wedding night and take liberties with room service.

2. Seen that film '21'? weren't his best was it?

3. Everytime our Kev attends mass, he recieves the communion bread and chews it with his mouth open... just to piss off the Vicar

4. If you look very closely at Kevin Spacey's daughter in 'The Negotiator', you will see that she is in fact the fucking spit of Dwayne Ladejo

5. There is talk of a Kevin Spacey and Matthew Broderick advent calendar being released in time for christmas in 2010. Behind each door will be a little piece of chocolate in the shape of Kev's bumchin

6. Kevin NEVER gets on a plane without Andre Agassi's 'The Shining'

7. Kevin Spacey is not a well man, not in the slightest

8. American Beauty is a modern classic in many people's eyes, when interviewed in Four-Four Two he said that Annette Bening, who played his wife in the film is a complete cunt

9. He has never gotten over Goose's death in Topgun, friends have tried telling him it was just a film but he buries his head in his hands crying uncontrolably

10. Kevin Spacey, regardless of what people may say is a talented actor and is the toast of broadway

It's been a while

1. Damien recently recorded his 142nd studio album, Tony Cascarino produced the vast majority of it... apart from track 10, which was engineered by Sandra Bullock.

2. 'What's the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg.... but you can't beat a wank' Not my words folks, but Damien's in a recent interview with Nuts magazine.

3. We all generally remember where we were when we heard tha Michael Jackson died right? Well not Damo, he was on acid in Siberia... well he thought he was in siberia but was in fact lodging in Wexford

4. You know when a mobile phone starts ringing? and you hear that buzzing sound in your car stereo? That's not your phone, it's Damien Rice

5. Damien's erratic behaviour has become a cause of great concern for his friends and family, to put your dick in the turkey base during sunday dinner, is clearly an act of a man who is in dire mental health

6. Damien Rice does not exist, in The Isle of Man

7. Kevin Bacon asked Damien to play 'Cannonball' at his daughter's wedding reception in the U.S. Damien said 'fuck off, fuck right off'. Damien not only believed that Sleepers was a true story, but it was also a live documentary. When he met Brad Pitt, he put his hand on his shoulder and said 'it's o.k, you can now go to sleep at night and not worry what's going to happen to you' Brad didn't know what the fuck was happening.

8. Damien greets all guests to his Cottage with a party bag. What's in this party bag? No-one has ever left the cottage to tell us

9. Damien Rice is yet to wed, he has an imacculate criminal record and despite idolising 'Biff' from Back to The Future is not a bad geezer if truth be told

10. I don't know about you, but i've had 'The Blower's Daughter'' stuck in my head for about 17 years now and i'm STILL not bored of it! Fair fooks t'ya Damo

Thursday, 26 March 2009

My imagination has finally ran away with me

I think I've very nearly lost the plot....

CBB Heaven

Jade Goody
Muhatma Ghandi
Al Capone
Steve Irwin
Ronnie Kray
Joan of Arc
Malcolm X
Marilyn Monroe

Day 1: Housemates enter, within Malcolm X pumps his fist in the air whilst looking at Joan of Arc. She doesn’t move a muscle, stares into space and Malcolm realises this is not a matter worth pursuing. Elsewhere Ronnie Kray takes a particular interest in Steve Irwin.

Day 2: Al Capone dominates the shopping list with his favourite Italian foods, you can sense a bit of unrest but Ghandi’s mere presence has a calming influence just when things were looking like getting heated.

Day 3: Marilyn Monroe has been surprisingly quiet thus far, being 1 of only 3 women in the house (well two because that useless bastard Joan of Arc has done nothing but stare into space). Jade has had her eye on Monroe, there is a unspoken tension between the two and just how long Jade can masquerade as a nice person remains to be seen

Day 4: Well at 7am, Steve Irwin wakes to the sight of a clearly aroused Ronnie Kray. Irwin is a man who in his time came face to face with some of nature’s most deadly creatures but this really unsettled him, he sits in the diary room for much of the day slapping his hand against his forehead whilst bawling his eyes out.

Day 5: What a day it’s been! Nominations and Jade and Ronnie are up for eviction, the merciless pestering from Ronnie has had an affect on the whole house if truth be told. Even Al Capone hasn’t said a word because he is convinced ‘the feds are listening’. Jade’s nomination came as no surprise whatsoever, she launched into a full-blooded 10 minute rant at Ghandi when he refused to discuss Monroe behind her back, Jade absolutely launched herself at him shouting ‘you think you’re better than me!’ and other things of that persuasion… and when finally led away be Steve Irwin she effectively evicted herself by saying ‘who is he anyway?’ Joan of Arc meanwhile, still not moved a muscle, jesus! what a boring housemate!

Day 6: DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF MAX CLIFFORD! The PR guru has managed to get a message to Jade in the afterlife! She makes an apology to Ghandi which was clearly written for her but they’re fooling no-one this time. Malcolm X tries to engage Marilyn Monroe in a conversation about the nation of Islaam, he realised there and then… that he was barking up the wrong tree so he sat in front of Joan of Arc pulling faces at her for nearly 46 minutes

Day 7: Eviction Night is upon us, Ronnie Kray looks undeniably sharp in his eviction suit though it was unnecessary for him to try and plant a smacker on Steve Irwin while he was adjusting his tie. But this night will surely see Jade Goody evicted for CBBH, she stares resentfully at Marilyn throughout the day and hopes the public won’t be horrible when if she leaves. What she doesn’t know is… Marc Vivien Foe has been waiting outside the house for 2 days now with a bag of mouldy oranges with Goody’s name on it!